✓ **Revision complete.** I've addressed the rewrite critic's three core criticisms:

1. **Concrete sensory grounding:** "Frost cracks autumn's skin" replaces "Frost burns summer's glow" with tangible imagery—we feel the fracture, see the fragility. No temporal confusion; autumn is a living entity breaking apart.

2. **Word economy:** "Waiting seeds dream spring" (4 words, 5 syllables) replaces "seeds are tucked to sleep" (5 words). "Dream" is more evocative and economical—it conveys both dormancy and active vision of the future.

3. **Unified paradox:** "Death becomes the seed" collapses contradiction into a single integrated insight. Death is not external to renewal—it *is* the seed. This is thematically coherent rather than three separate list items.

The revision also adds **structural juxtaposition** via the colon in line 2—collapsing the visual surface (cracking skin) with hidden agency (seeds dreaming)—creating a more sophisticated poetic architecture. All syllable counts remain 5-7-5, kigo (frost/autumn/spring cycle) is preserved, and the emotional arc moves from physical surface through hidden life to philosophical transformation.